Thursday, May 04, 2006

I have been taking a serious look at myself the last 2 days........and I don't like what I see...
I am a very impatient person, at the store, in the car, where ever.. Yesterday I was at walmart and this lady was flying through the isle, she rammed in to me ( and she did say sorry ) but she was just cutting everyone off, and Savannah was with me and I told her you have to ignore some people sweetie they are rude, maybe there mommy did not teach them manners. and I thought to myself...Bitch. Then I got up to the isle that she was in and she was holding a bag for a little girl (i assume hers) cause she was throwing up....I felt about an inch tall. And I thought why do I do that. Why am I so negative like that all the tme. I hate driving, I am always flipping people off and yelling at them, of course noone hears but me, but it gets me worked up....I have serious road
I have friends, not too many, but the ones I have I would not change for the world, but I am just not a social butterfly, unlike Eric who talks with everyone and is the life of the party. When I was young I choose not to make friends cause I moved around alot in high school, and when I knew I was moving again I thought why, why make new friends just to have to leave them again so I was just a loner. And I think I am still stuck in that frame of mind.
Anyway the 2nd thing happened today, my cousin Joyce was killed this morning in a car accident. The last time I talked to her was 14 years ago. Her parents died when she was very young and my great grandma dropped everything to raise her, and she lived with her until she was in her 30's, my great grandma was in her 90's and couldnt be left alone anymore, Joyce received a huge amount of money from her parents and she never spent it. To me if you have the means and can do it, take care of your mom or grandma or whoever, we knew she was going to die soon, but she wouldnt quit her job and take care of her, she put her in a home and 3 days later she died. In that 3 days she never even went to see if she was ok. So I said thats it I don't want to talk to her anymore. Now I am feeling guilt I guess, was I just being a bitch, why do i get like this.....I dont know.
My best friend of 23 years and I havent talked in 6 months because I got angry and instead of confronting her I just stopped talking to her, how do I take that back..I miss her so much and I am not even mad anymore, I guess its just pride or something, I feel stupid so I just continue to not talk to her.. Garth Brooks has an awesome song called if tomorrow never comes...and thats what it is about, if tommorow never comes will she know how much i love her, did I try in everyway to show her everyday that shes the only one......etc and I wish that everyone lived life like that, so why dont I....
Well thanks for the ear, it helps to write sometimes, I love writing in my journal....
Have a great day


Blogger Heather/SHTEZQ said...

sweetie I love you and maybe you need to bite you tongue and talk to this friend life is to short like you noticed with certain things in your life.

I hope your day perks up soon if you need me let me know I am here.

We love you with all our hearts
Heather and the gang!

7:12 AM  
Blogger Shionge said...

It takes lots of courage to post your thoughts and feelings online and hats off to you.

Yes, sometimes pride do gets into our way and prevented us from doing what is right. Don't feel that by moving off to another place, you leave all things behind. Make new friends and nurture the old friendship, although you might not keep in touch with all of them, you know they'll always be there.

Hope you have a great Mother's Day on 14 May 2006.

5:42 PM  

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